9/17/07

I've been up since 1:30 am. I fell asleep around 12:30 which is early for me. I fell asleep after i wrote the last blog, or rather I passed out, and awoke at 8pm. This is how my sleep comes, i cant sleep for long periods. I wake up for a couple hours and go back to sleep. I cant fall asleep unless I've been drinking. If i don't drink I'd be up for 3 days straight. It's not like i have energy, I'm actually exhausted. I just lay there, my eyes can't seem to close. I don't even really think about much, i just lay there. I try to avoid thoughts, they'd only make me go crazy. Just when i do start to fall asleep, I wake myself up. You know that feeling when you feel yourself falling asleep? It scares me, I don't like it. I feel like i can feel myself dying. I wake up gasping for air.

So anyhow I'm laying there for a good 3 hours, and I realise.... My life is ruled by the number 3. I'm probably delirious at this point in time, because Ive been sitting in the dark staring for so long. 3's rule my life. I sleep in 3 hour increments, I've had 3 pregnancies, I have 3 diseases/disorders, I have sex in 3's(me and 2 guys), I change 3 times a day, when i leave the house i come back in 3 times because i feel like I'm forgetting something, I feel like death comes to me in 3's. In fact I think i even have $3 in my wallet. ha ha. I have a rule of 3's too, it goes like this...

in 3 min I know if i like someone or not
in 3 days I know if I can stand that person or not (because i get real irritated real easy)
in 3 weeks I know if I can have sex with someone (because face it a lot of guys are bitches and become attached real easy and I don't want to sleep with one of them)
in 3 months I know if I could date that person (because sex is important to me and I'm sorry if I'm gonna actually commit to someone then I have to know that sex will be good)
in 3 years I know if I could spend the rest of my life with that person. (Even if its just time for me to move on I'll keep them as friends forever)

It works, its a good system ha ha. try it you'll see.

I'm a spontaneous person, but i tend to live my life cautiously.

Maybe a little too cautious, i never seem to get past the sex part. I always start out really liking someone, I do. It usually lasts a week and I'm so over it. I don't think i have the energy to really like anyone. It just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore. I have no desire to ever love someone again.