Friday, September 28, 2007

9/28/07

Yesterday was my moms bday, but I had so much going on that i didn't get to spend time with her. But she did talk to me when I got home she said "Lisa it's INAPPROPRIATE to come home at 4 in the morning" inappropriate is her favorite word with me. so anyways, I watched Jordyne and I picked up some stuff for the pirate party in OC. since I was in OC i decided to go by and check on Renee. No one had heard from her in 3 days. We were kinda worried. I knew she had no money, her phone was going straight to voicemail, and her mom was looking for. I was getting nervous the closer I got. I knew it was going to be something stupid which it was. I got there and I saw her outside cleaning her car out. I was like "NO!!!! they're repoing it and making her clean it out!" but actually she was moving out of her apartment and her phone charger was at Porsha's. So i bought her Pizza and Beer and we had good times.
Then we go out to Maverick's last night it was mellow until the fight happens, but we always know that's coming. At least there's usually someplace to go afterwards, which is what we did. The whole night my legs have been hurting so I'm trying to focus on something else besides pain. It puts me in the weird mood where I don't really talk or smile. Its like when you have to pee so bad that it hurts but your in traffic. You don't want anyone to touch you or talk to you and you can't wait till its relieved. Its like that. Then it gets worse. It feels like some one's taken a bat and has just crushed my knees and ankles. The only way i have to relieve the pain is to drunk. So i guzzle down anything that's around. Eventually the pain fades but my legs start to feel like jello. Its hard for me to walk and I really have to focus on it. I'm always in heals when i shouldn't be, but i refuse to look anything but cute for as long as i can...
I talked to Lindsy about her mom, and her mom is going through the same things I am but a different disease. Plus all the OTHER baggage I carry ha ha I'm sure its a lot easier to deal with the immobility and then pain when your not sleeping in your car and when you have medication. Not even 2 minutes after talking to her about how frustrating it is, I fell on my face. I woke up today and wanted to die. It's so random what days i wake up very stiff and sometimes i wake up fine. I've just been sitting here crying. It scares me to know whats going to happen to me. I look at pictures of people with Rheumatoid Arthritis, its horrific. I can't stop it, I can't change it.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

9/23/07

Sunday Funday!

every Sunday we try to go to Canyon in for Karaoke, I've had a crush on the bartender forever and on Sundays the other boy that works there is fun to play with too. So I was all excited when Laura texted me with Canyon Inn? haha. It was a really fun night. Me and L got to sing the majority of the night... I tried singing things a little different then what we were used to, because you only know a couple of songs and you tend to sing them over and over... So we sang Paradise City and Green Day.... it was a fun fun night

9/22/07

At midnight i showed up to a Voodoo Glow Skulls show. It was awesome it reminded me of being 14 again. The night came to an end and everyone wanted to go home and Ray asked me to go to this boys house. She seemed like she was really into him. So I was like yeah sure i dont mind. I had slept most of that day so i was awake and ready to go and everyone else wanted to crash. So we go there and its a beautiful house, but the most awesome part is the pool. The owner was an un-named NFL player, whom which built a fantasyland in his backyard. So i ended the night in my bra and underwear swimming in the pool and sliding down the water slides. He had Mermaids painted on the rocks in the Grotto and i thought to myself... i could live here forever. I could be a mermaid, the only time I'm happy is when im sitting in a pool, Lake, River, or ocean...

9/22/07

Tonight was a good night. I went to Laura's with the kiddo, and Monica came over... It's nice to be around other people who are struggling as single mom's. I'm surrounded by people who are still married or living together and it makes you feel so low. In some jealous sort of way I feel like I should have or want that.

People look down upon me because i do not have custody of my daughter and they feel as though I have "given" her up. For the first year and a half of her life I fed her, I clothed her, I did not leave that child's side till she was over one years old. I didn't abandon her, i see her every week, yes its for one night but 6 days of not seeing her is better to me then 12 days of not seeing her. She's better off where she is. I cant physically provide for her, and i can't financially provide for her. If you want to come down on me for that then so be it.

Friday, September 21, 2007

9/20/07

My daughter is 5 today. It's almost amazing. She started kindergarten this month, she's growing into a little lady. Last weekend I had her i had $6 to my name. I was really upset that i couldn't do anything for her for her bday. I knew i could afford to make a cake, but that was it. So i asked her what she wanted to do for her bday. she told me "I just want to go swimming with you, and then watch a movie." awwww =)

So we swam and then watched Phantom of the Opera. At one point she said, "He's falling in love with her but she likes someone else." i asked her how she knew... She said "Listen to what they are singing about mom!" and then towards the end she said "This is sooo sad, I can't watch it anymore, I'm gonna cry."

So Happy Bday Cassidy Mae

9/19/07

Talk like a pirate day!
Arrgh!

So i go out with my friends tonight, to a bar. A friend tells me , Yes, I think you have a drinking problem. I'm glad she noticed. I've been crying out to everyone for I don't know how long and no one's been listening. She said she kinda felt bad about saying it. I told her if she knew me at all she knew i appreciate honesty, in all forms.

Meanwhile someone else is fighting because they feel the opposite. Someone had said something to someone else and it angered that person. In conversation it was said that she shouldn't be so open and honest about the way she feels about other people.

Is there like a medium? Is there and in between.? I think so, I am a blunt and honest person, but I know who i can say things to and who cant take it. It's in how you fraise things, and how things should be comprehended. I've also learned it's OK to be an honest, open, and blunt person.... when its asked of you.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

9/18/07

I went to the Justin Timberlake concert. It was awesome. I am fortunate to get to do a lot of really great things in life. I don't really need money to have fun. Last night a friend gave me a ticket so it was free, we had a suite, a free buffet, and an open bar. Stuff like that ALWAYS happens to me, I get to experience a lot of cool things. Which is why I always say that if i died today, I'd be happy with the way my life was.

I never had the feeling that my life would be lived passed high school, i thought I'd self destruct myself with sex and drugs, or I'd get depressed and kill myself. Before i knew it I was 18. I was like OK... what the hell do I do now? The only thing constant in my life is that i like to party hard, and i always make the best out of bad times.

Monday, September 17, 2007

9/17/07

I've been up since 1:30 am. I fell asleep around 12:30 which is early for me. I fell asleep after i wrote the last blog, or rather I passed out, and awoke at 8pm. This is how my sleep comes, i cant sleep for long periods. I wake up for a couple hours and go back to sleep. I cant fall asleep unless I've been drinking. If i don't drink I'd be up for 3 days straight. It's not like i have energy, I'm actually exhausted. I just lay there, my eyes can't seem to close. I don't even really think about much, i just lay there. I try to avoid thoughts, they'd only make me go crazy. Just when i do start to fall asleep, I wake myself up. You know that feeling when you feel yourself falling asleep? It scares me, I don't like it. I feel like i can feel myself dying. I wake up gasping for air.

So anyhow I'm laying there for a good 3 hours, and I realise.... My life is ruled by the number 3. I'm probably delirious at this point in time, because Ive been sitting in the dark staring for so long. 3's rule my life. I sleep in 3 hour increments, I've had 3 pregnancies, I have 3 diseases/disorders, I have sex in 3's(me and 2 guys), I change 3 times a day, when i leave the house i come back in 3 times because i feel like I'm forgetting something, I feel like death comes to me in 3's. In fact I think i even have $3 in my wallet. ha ha. I have a rule of 3's too, it goes like this...

in 3 min I know if i like someone or not
in 3 days I know if I can stand that person or not (because i get real irritated real easy)
in 3 weeks I know if I can have sex with someone (because face it a lot of guys are bitches and become attached real easy and I don't want to sleep with one of them)
in 3 months I know if I could date that person (because sex is important to me and I'm sorry if I'm gonna actually commit to someone then I have to know that sex will be good)
in 3 years I know if I could spend the rest of my life with that person. (Even if its just time for me to move on I'll keep them as friends forever)

It works, its a good system ha ha. try it you'll see.

I'm a spontaneous person, but i tend to live my life cautiously.

Maybe a little too cautious, i never seem to get past the sex part. I always start out really liking someone, I do. It usually lasts a week and I'm so over it. I don't think i have the energy to really like anyone. It just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore. I have no desire to ever love someone again.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

later on 9/16/07

so...
i go out on my happy crusade and I'm drinking getting drunk, and i realise i have somewhere to be, but i don't wanna be! i just want to live in the now... and the now is no matter what time of day it is i am trusted enough for a bar tab! the waitresses her are awesome. people stop me as I'm walking by to the bathroom to ask me how i am doing. Everyone here is so nice =)

I'm hungry and so is Laura so we leave to find a Taco Bell... we can't so i suggest the nearest bar. I honestly don't remember paying for the pitcher, did we? Laura insists were hungry so we finish up and leave. we make our way through the bright summer Sunday and order us burritos. She drives me back to my car.... I get in my car and leave.

I look back and she is gone, off to go home and sleep, so i presume, i look at my texts, a lot of people i don't want to answer. I get on the freeway and as i step on the gas and look in my rear view i realise I wish there was a lot more Sundays like this.

9/16/07

Last night i fell asleep watching a house marathon. I'm surprised I didn't have dreams that i was dying from some weird disease. There was this girl on there, she had come in a boat all the way from Cuba to find out what was wrong with her. What i watched she had every symptom I had. First they thought it was MS, her bones were breaking easily,then her heart stopped and they thought it was a blood clot, just seemed like it was everything i had been through. My mom was like stay awake to see what it is! but of course i fell asleep. It would be a lot easier, if i had health insurance. I'm craving that deep breath I'm going to take once when all this pain and worrying is gone.

How do people diagnosed with Cancer get treated with no insurance? or AIDS? do they just keep on living knowing they have the disease and there's nothing they can do about it?

Anyhow, i don't even want to start thinking about that right now, I've already woken up in a weird mood.

It was one of those morning where you feel like you haven't gotten enough sleep, and you look at the clock and its already 11:30. It takes me about 15 minutes to get my legs and arms moving. When i wake up they're extremely stiff and almost numb like. The first steps i take out of bed feel like my feet are sunburned and like every bone in my body has been completely crushed.

I made my breakfast, my mom asked if i was going to the beach today for my cousins 16th bday. I already told her i didn't want to go. I can't help being an honest person, if i get asked by anyone how I'm doing I'll break down and cry. I don't want to think about my life and what its become. So no I don't want to go.

I came upstairs and started typing in here. My brother came in to say hi. I felt like he was suffocating me. I yelled at him to stop staring at me. He asked if I was in a bipolar mood. I laughed hysterically. he nodded his head in agreence. Then i continued yelling about how i hated cups, and how there's always cups in this room. The smell of his lunch was making me nauseous, it smelt like ranch dressing and tomato sauce thrown back up a day later. I couldn't breath, Blah! I yelled at him to get out. My skin felt dirty everywhere i looked things were bothering me. I felt trapped. Today feels like the day I'm going to jump off a bridge. I can't handle this anymore! Life;s attacking me!

when i calmed down I thought to myself yeah, there's no way I'm going in public today.

Laura just called, she says she's bored and wants to go drink, and in a seconds time, I'm happy again.

So withing this hour I went from feeling like today would be a good day to die to wooohooo lets go party! and that's the life I live =)

Life Hurts

Hi everybody,

A lot of people ask me how I am on a daily basis. Instead of writing pretty much the same things repetitively i decided to start a blog =)

For people that don't know me... Well I am 26 years old, i am a single mother, i have Bipolar disorder, and i suffer from RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis).